Full Story

I can tell you that these artworks are inspired on the remnants of prenatal trauma, which has influenced my life for as long as I can remember.

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I wish to share this story with the world for all those that feel related or have been experiencing similar effects on their life, since an estimated 10% of the entire human population was a part of twins or triplets before being born as a singleton.

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So, this is my personal story that begon as triplets in the womb, of which only one was born and who spend 45 years living in this world without having a conscious memory of the loss he carries with him.

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I have been walking on this beautiful planet for 585 moons while being convinced I was a singleton boy and the oldest of the family.
Mother and father had 3 sons and were unaware of what exactly had been happening before the pregnancy of their firstborn.

Fast forward 45 years later, many pieces of the puzzle begin to fall into a very recognizable image. It all starts to dawn on me when there is an inexplicable amount of grief, sadness and loneliness that keeps pushing through the surface of my everyday life.

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What happened ?

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Over the past year I had been starting to realize I am the only survivor of a triplets and thus have lost my triplet sisters / brothers in a very early stage in the womb.

This extremely intimate trauma hardcoded so early into the blueprint of my life that it has marked my path on earth quite significantly.

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How does one discover such a long forgotten trauma ?

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Uncovering such an unprovable past event was initiated to me after the sheer amount of inexplicable grief which literally made me look for its cause.

With the help of family constellations, systemic work, and professional guidance I was able to shine a light onto this trauma and all its side effects.

So, for me it was the ongoing amount of ever-growing sadness and the faint idea of an always present but yet unknown lost connection that took over my emotions every time a certain subject was talked about.

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The weird thing was the fact this happened every time when a conversation moved in the direction of something in which I have always been interested in throughout my entire life : the mystical, the spiritual, the unknown dimensions and that what exists behind the veil.

Earlier in life I have tried to mend this seemingly gaping wound by looking at the world as being undivided, meaning I attempted to alter my world view in such a way, while knowing that even when at birth our umbilical cord has been cut, yet we are living a life non-separated from ‘the rest’. As in a holistic way where we mainly focus on the fact that everything is inter-connected and whole.

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Well, you see, I felt like my whole life I had been on a quest. I was always searching and searching, and while I found many incredible things in this life, it was never ever satisfying enough.

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Death and the beyond had been a main theme for as long as I can remember, and it was very present throughout my entire life ever since I was a young kid. Wanting to go to the other side, not specifically through death but reaching out to the place where we physically cannot go and fantasizing and talking about it has been my main drive literally all the time. For example, I have spent thousands of hours in bed as a kid waiting to fall asleep trying to stay conscious until that specific moment of the transition into the dream realm.

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( Fun fact : While I never succeeded in going from a waking state consciously into the sleep/dream state, I did manage it a number of times the other way around, namely to manifest from being conscious in the dream reality and return gradually to the body in the waking state. But this is something I might dedicate another story to in the future. )

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Anyway, being different in every sense has been an acknowledgement embedded deep within my heart throughout my life. Another example : scanning faces in a crowd while looking for a connection with someone that instantly clicks has been a practice since forever. The burden of guilt has been a natural attitude.

These are only a handful of some of the many symptoms we humans with the Vanishing Twin Syndrome share with eachother.

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Is there also a positive side to the story ?

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Luckily yes indeed, luckily there is.

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This may not seem so straight forward, but I have always felt like I have been blessed with many things. Like for example, when I wanted to learn something new and use it as a tool, the learning process always came extremely easy and natural unlike what I noticed from people around me. I mean I just went for it, there was flow and it worked out, simple as that.

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Another thing about being deeply connected to the spirit realm is the feeling of feeling ‘home’, and I mean this not in a physical sense in this society among people au contrary, but feeling of being home in the self, in the vastness of the universe, among the beings in the stars watching over us like carrying a deep certainty everything will always be alright, since life on this planet is just a dream.

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On top of the — let’s call them ‘worldly’ — traits I inherited from both my parents and ancestors it has recently come to my attention there is something else in the mix here, more like a magic cloud of traits shared with me from my deceased triplet siblings.

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I wish I could tell you more about this specifically but at the time of writing I was still in the discovery phase and perhaps this story might be continued as it develops over time.